Moving on up...

To 3 West! Thats right, folks we are finally here. At this moment it is after 7:00pm and daddy is holding Miss. Brynnie (something we haven't been able to do for weeks now since we had to leave at shift change when we were on the CVICU).

All I can say is THANK GOD we are finally out of there. These last 10 days or so have been some of the most difficult of my life. Brynn was continuing to make steady progress for several days. She got all of her tubes, lines, and IV's out (except for her feeding tube), and her stats were looking great on room air with no support. The only thing she wasn't doing was taking anything by mouth. The doctors told us that she had to work on feeding and gain some weight before she would be allowed to go home but that she should be able to work on those things upstairs in the step-down unit. Then...a new team started and decided that they wanted to be extra conservative with her due to her small size and the type of repair she is recovering from. SO...they decided to keep us in the CVICU for another week. And not just the in CVICU but specifically in "the pod" a seven bed hellhole of beeping, crying, alarming, and nurses 24 hours a day.

This overstimulation really begins to wear you down after the sixth hour of sitting there. Especially when the doctors are telling you that your kid doesn't really need to be there but they are going to keep her in this hellish place just to play it safe. Don't get me wrong, I would never want to jeopardize Brynn's health or recovery in any way but I really felt like my own mental health was deteriorating by the day. Every day I woke up, pumped, and went to the hospital to sit and hold Brynn for approximately 6 hours (except when I would have to put her down to run to the cafeteria and shove food down my throat or sit in a freezing dark room and pump). When I got back Brynn would often be fussing or crying by herself. The nurses still took excellent care of her but they now had other patients as well and you can pretty much guarantee that your kids pacifier falling out of her mouth is not going to take precedence over stabilizing another patient. I would go home around 3:30pm or so and Tony and I would come back together by 6:00pm to kiss her goodnight and then head home to eat dinner and collapse into bed. And then I would do it all over again the next day.

It began to feel sort of like Groundhog Day: a never ending cycle of stress, worry, and exhaustion, with no end in sight. Tony of course had his own difficult days that would begin at 5:30 in the morning and usually end with a tearful and exhausted wife who has been pretty much inconsolable during the most difficult moments. We haven't had to deal with any more surprises from or friends in genetics, and Brynn's progress continues to be excellent, but 90% of our conversations still contain the phrases "try not to worry about it" and/or "I'm just tired".

Our days have also been filled with small victories and pleasures. I changed Brynn's diaper for the first time last week and Tony changed his first diaper EVER on Sunday. We have been able to give her a bath, swaddle her, hand her off to grandparents so we can get a bite to eat, and of course my favorite: dress her up! We survived five days in a row with our least favorite nurse without losing our minds or our tempers. We even began to tackle her taking food by mouth.

Occupational therapy assessed Brynn last week and developed a feeding plan for her to practice taking food orally. They showed me how to position her and how to look out for danger signs that she could be choking (it is very important that we protect her airway and prevent any aspiration). We have run into several problems that relate to her being a preemie and having a heart condition. Brynn had been either totally conked out or super agitated. She rarely had any awake alert time where she would interested in eating. Although she loves her pacifier her latch wasn't strong and she had a very guarded suck. Up until today she was only taking a few milliliters by mouth.

I have continued to pump as often as I can but have found it difficult to keep up with the demanding 8-10 times a day. The most I have gotten in 24 hours is 7 pumps and some days I only get six. As a result I have been able to supply Brynn with most of the milk she needs but the nurses have had to supplement with formula from time to time. Part of the problem has been keeping up my calorie intake to sustain enough milk. My appetite has not been that great and to make matters worse I tend to get a little nauseous or lose my appetite every time I pump. In addition, I rarely have time to sit down and eat anything when I am hungry since I haven't wanted to leave Brynn alone. I spoke with the lactation consultant who has been trying to help and is encouraging me to try and pump more frequently. My hope is that now that I'm allowed to eat in the same room with Brynn and will have food trays brought up to me I'll be less stressed and able to eat better. I've also had some of the other typical problems including blocked milk ducts (ouch!) and sore nipples (super ouch!).

On Sunday we were moved out of the pod and back into a private room in preparation of coming upstairs. It was a huge relief to be out of the chaos and noise. I didn't realize how luck y we were until yesterday afternoon. I went down the hall to the "quiet room" (ironically next to the pod) to pump when I heard a woman sobbing and crying out "my baby, my baby". I got back to our room when the mother next door came in to commiserate about the awful siren that was going off. I asked her what was going on and she looked at me wide eyed "You don't know what that sound means? A baby in the pod is coding. Two babies have died since I've been here.” A giant dose of reality I didn’t need that was enough to send me over the edge. I was in tears the rest of the day. Luckily, I woke up this morning to the phone call that we were moving to 3 West first thing this morning.

My thoughts and prayers continue to be with the families that remain in the CVICU. Our journey to get Brynn well continues upstairs. Thank you for everyone's continued support. We would not be getting through this without your love, support, and prayers.