Today was the original date of Brynn's second surgery. Today we were originally supposed to be sitting in the hospital with our families holding our breath and saying our prayers and putting our faith in the hands of the doctors and nurses. Today was originally the start of moving back in with my parents during Brynn's hospitial stay. The start of long days at the bedside and even longer nights away from our baby. Bad hospital food, cold hospital air, chapped hospital skin (thank you, hand sanitizer) and lots and lots of hospital tears.
Instead, I got to wake up to my baby cooing and gurgling happily to her friends (giraffe and penguin, respectively). I got to fix her bottle and change her diaper and dress her in the cute new outfit with they bunny on the front. I got to kiss her toes and put little slippers on her feet. I got to lay her in her swing and watch as she gazed up at the mobile.
I got to put her in the stroller and take a walk through our favorite neighborhood and feel the sun's warmth on my face and shoulders. We admired the sun shining through the trees and I pushed the stroller through crunchy piles of Autumn leaves. We watched a snooty French bulldog bark up a tree at a sassy little squirrel who I swear stuck his tongue out at the dog below.
Tonight, I will get try out a new recipe and give Brynn a bath. I will get to put her in the snugly pajamas with little feeties and rock her to sleep in front of the fire. Today we get one more beautiful, gratitude filled day of normalcy.
Of course, the question is how much more time do we have before we have to go back? Will Brynn learn how to roll over (she gets closer every day!). Will we finally get to meet and pet the big shaggy dog we see every day on our walks (think Nanna from Peter Pan; he used to bark at us but now he just nods hello from his spot in the driveway). Will we get to have Brynn with us for Thanksgiving? Get to pass her around the table to be held and cuddled while we dig in to our mashed potatoes? Her cardiac cath date is scheduled for the 18th. We most likely will not know the answers to those questions or receive a surgery date until then.
The downside to this extra time is the extra time it gives me to worry about the upcoming surgery. Falling asleep at night is getting harder and harder. My mind drifts to the day of the upcoming surgery, and all the the agonizing feelings of worry, waiting, and wondering how things are going to go. I don't know if its better or worse to know what to expect when we go back this time, all I know is it's a lot harder. Last time I was spared the long and painful wait in a cold room on a stiff plastic chair (the blessing of having Brynn going immediately into surgery after she was born). I was recovering from my own surgery and regained feeling in the lower half of my body around the time her surgeon came in to tell us things had gone well. This time, I have none of the peace or internal calm I felt before her birth and delivery. I'm finding it next to impossible to find much comfort in my faith or have the peace of mind knowing that she will be in excellent hands.
I know this might not make a whole lot of sense since statistically her chances of surviving surgery and doing well are high (around 98%, vs the first time at a lower 80%). My fear and worry are like a pit in my stomach. I'm trying really hard to rely on prayer and positive thinking to get me through this difficult period of waiting. I'm trying to put into practice what I know in my heart: that through suffering and hardship we grow closer to God and deepen our faith. I'm trying hard to enjoy every moment of every day with my baby.
We have been so blessed to have been granted more time with our sweet baby girl. Maybe it's selfish to want to be assured that we will have all the time in the world. I want to know that one day Brynn will be the cute little preschooler who waved hello to me today. I want to know that I will get to see her first steps and dress her chubby little legs in the overalls hanging in her closet. I want to know what her first words are going to be and find out what kind of baby food she will like to eat. Will she love the smashed banana? Spit out the pureed peas?
I guess I want what every parent wants and sometimes takes for granted: that my child will get to grow up healthy and happy. This journey has been filled with so many ups and downs. We remain so completely blessed to have such support from our friends and families. Tony and I are sometimes amazed at how far we have come as parents and how close and strong our relationship is despite the stress. As I said last time, some days are more challenging than others but overall I could not have a more supporting and loving partner in life than my husband.
Please continue to pray for us and for Brynn as we await her surgery. Enjoy the pics!
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