...is apparently not only the slogan for the anti-bullying campaign but also the mantra for new moms everywhere. It is a phrase I have heard countless times in the last few weeks and what I repeat to myself several times a day. Thankfully, things are getting better. After my meltdown two weeks ago we decided to hire a mother's helper who is coming three times a week for a few hours each day. I have been able to take a shower, get a nap, eat, pump, and even run to the grocery store! I think it is one of the best decisions we have made so far.
The days with a newborn are still long and pretty isolating. I miss working. I miss seeing adults on a regular basis. I miss getting to leave the house without packing for what feels like a three week vacation. But I am slowly and surely feeling more confident and comfortable leaving the house with Brynn on my own. We have gone to the pediatrician's office, to CVS, on two walks, and even across the bay to Dublin. Brynn does great in the car as long as it's moving. Traffic and stoplights are the enemy.
Brynn is doing exceptionally well. She is now over 9lbs and growing. We are really trying to get her on a regular eating schedule every few hours but like her mother her preference seems to be "snacking" throughout the day. Her average weight gain last week was only 20 grams per day, and it should really be more like 60. As a result I am trying hard to be more regimented with her eating habits. Her stats continue to be in the mid-80's which indicates that she is not yet growing out of her shunt. We should get a better idea of whether or not her surgery will be postponed after her echo on the 21st. Brynn did get shots this week at her two month visit to the pediatrician. The doctor was impressed with her weight gain (the cardiologists are harder to impress when it comes to fattening her up) and her strength (she almost looks like she is going to roll over when we put her on her tummy). She of course did NOT like her shots one bit and howled like a banshee every time she was stuck but at least it wasn't an agonizing 45 minutes of searching for a vein. And, I decided that since Brynn had been so brave with getting her shots that I would get my flu shot while we were there. It is the first time I have ever gotten a flu shot but I am so glad that I did. Knowing that I took an extra little step to help protect my baby makes me feel good.
I am still continuing to pump although my supply is pretty pathetic at this point. I'm not really sure it is worth to continue for a measly 40-50mls a day (not even one full feed). However, I'm having a really difficult time with the thought of stopping altogether. I know there are certain things that I just need to accept and cannot change but I really really wish I could give her more breast milk. I have even tried getting her to latch in the hopes that we might try some breast feeding. It worked once for 15 minutes three weeks ago and was the most amazing experience but she hasn't been able to latch again since. It seems like it should be the most natural and beautiful part of motherhood but is just not realistic at this point. The longing to feed my baby is so strong and painfully unattainable that it leaves a tingly feeling in my chest. At the same time, the $85 a month pump rental fee leaves a clenching in my stomach. Are really getting our money's worth at this point?
Tony and I both have a sinking feeling every time the mail comes. Daily we receive statements from HealthNet detailing the services they have covered. So far, we have been lucky to have complete coverage and have not been hit with any surprise medical bills. However, we have decided to COBRA my insurance next month to insure the great coverage and are going to be hit hard with the fees we originally were not anticipating. I could have a full time job just answering my phone with the daily calls we get from the insurance company, doctors, nurses, social services, and healthcare supply companies. We are so blessed to have so many amazing services being offered to Brynn and such amazing healthcare coverage. Hopefully I will have more time in the coming weeks to go through the stacks of paperwork that we are acquiring on the dining room table.
Thank you to everyone for the continued support we receive. We have been so touched by the phone calls, visits, gifts, letters, cards, texts, and emails that just keep coming. Tony, Brynn, and I feel so loved and so lucky to have such amazing people in our lives. Speaking of which, all you amazing people who would like to come by and meet Brynn before we got back to the hospital, now would be a great time. As long as you are healthy and are willing to wash your hands we would love to introduce you to our baby before she becomes the incredible wired up little tube receptacle she will be in the hospital. Believe me, its much easier to hold a baby when she is not attached by tubes and wires to fifteen different machines.
We hope everyone is having a beautiful Fall and look forward to (hopefully!) spending some time with family outside the hospital for the holidays. Be on the lookout for Halloween photos!
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