Two months!

It's hard to believe that Brynn will be two months old on Friday (and that my disability leave will be up in 3 days!). Time has been flying by with each day sort of blurring into the next.

Last week was my first official week home by myself with Brynn. Luckily, my mom still stopped by a couple of times to help with laundry and let me take a nap. We also got a visit from my parent's housekeeper which really helped with all of the deep cleaning that we just have not been able to get to. In addition, some very good friends came by with food, did my dishes, and sat with Brynn while I was able to get a quick nap. I'm still sort of reeling from how much work a new baby is (even with lots of great support). Those Sister Wives on TV might be on to something...:).

Last week Brynn and I took a trip to the pediatricians office. It was our first time out of the house alone together and it was sort of nightmare. Brynn had been up every two hours all night long and I was exhausted. In addition, she refused to go down for a nap in the morning, or even let me put her down for longer than 3o seconds. By the time 1:00pm rolled around I was so tired I could hardly see straight. I had to take a shower or I didn't think I would be awake enough to take her to the doctors. I finally had to put her down and let her cry while I took the fastest shower of my life. Still, I couldn't pump, eat, and barely got dressed. I was so stressed from her constant crying by the time we got in the car I was shaking and distracted all the way to the doctor's office.

Our pediatrician is really awesome and does a great job of treating Brynn just like any other baby while giving her extra special attention around her heart health. She was impressed by her weight gain, her vitals looked good, and she is reaching milestones on target. The doctor decided that Brynn would benefit from getting her two month shots at our next visit, and that she qualifies for an additional vaccination only given to babies with compromised immune systems. She also gave me some helpful information on decreasing discomfort from gas and spit-up which we have noticed more in the last week or so.

We are finally getting into (somewhat) of a schedule at home. Brynn wakes me up for good at 7:30am and we do meds, a feeding, diaper change, weight check, and get dressed (well, she gets dressed and I change into a different pair of sweatpants). Then, she hangs out comfortably in the swing for about 2o minutes (long enough for me to wash the dirty bottles, drink a cup of coffee, and pump). Then...the fussies set in. Diaper changes, feedings, rocking, and yes, even swaddling does little to relieve her fussiness. By the late morning I am starving, exhausted, and usually have to pee pretty badly since setting her down for even that long causes her to wail. If I'm lucky I can get her to go down for a short nap. Afternoons are better. She will nap for longer some days of the week but still wakes up pretty frequently for food or comfort. The sleep deprivation and inability to eat regularly, shower, or just have five minutes to myself is getting pretty hard. I'm pretty irritable most of the time. I find myself watching the clock and waiting for Tony to walk through the door and relieve me for a few hours just to do the things I used to take for granted (I get to the dishes, yay!).

And then are the days (like today) when Tony walks in the door and the house is a complete disaster (stuff strewn all over the living room, bed unmade, clothes unwashed, dishes piled up) and both Brynn and Mommy are crying inconsolably on the couch. It's hard not to feel like a complete failure as a wife and mother in those moments. Before we had Brynn I had visions of Tony coming home to a perfectly clean house, with dinner on the table, the baby pacified, and me greeting him with a smile. Perhaps I've seen one too many 1950's sitcoms. The reality could not be farther from the truth. I don't what I would without Tony's understanding, support, and constant reassurance that I am in fact a good partner and mother.

To make things a little easier we have decided to hire a part time mother's helper who can come in for a few hours a day so that I can take a nap, take a shower, and maybe do a load of dishes or the laundry. Tony will have to take on a couple of tutoring clients to offset the cost of bringing this person into our home. Ultimately, this will mean a longer day for him at least once a week. Once again, I reminded of the sacrifices he is willing to make in order to make life easier for Brynn and me.

In terms of Brynn's health I am reminded several times a week of how lucky we are that Brynn is doing so well. Her O2 continues to be in the mid-80's, which is excellent, and her heart rate is consistently in the 150's without much fluctuation. Our cardiologist is thrilled with her weight gain and continued progress. It was pretty amazing to see Dr. Doom and Gloom come alive around Brynn. She cooed, cuddled, and rocked Brynn during our appointment on Friday. I guess there is a reason she is a pediatric cardiologist. The appointment went very well. Thank God my mom decided to come with me since our "quick visit" to the cardiologist turned into a six hour ordeal when we went to get Brynn's blood work done. We are still waiting for the results of panel from genetics. In the meantime, all the standard blood work that is usually taken needed to be done since Brynn received blood and platelets after she was born, making the results invalid. We ended up having to wait hours for the right phlebotomist, for them to locate the right tube, and apparently for the stars to align before they called us back. I ran out of formula, diapers, and patience. Then, poor little Brynn had three painful "needle sticks" aka digging in her arm for vein before enough blood could be drawn.

The cardiologist said that she might wait for Brynn's second surgery as long as her stats continue to remain good and she continues to gain weight. This is great news of course, but also changes our plans to be post surgery and home with our families by Thanksgiving. We might end up spending the holiday in the CVICU or on 3 West. No matter where we are, I know that we will continue to have so much to be thankful for!

Enjoy the pics of Uncle Dean's visit, Stars and Stripes day in the Watts household, and sleepy Brynn. Don't let her fool you...she never sleeps!