Balance shmalance

Well, it's been five weeks since my last post. Five weeks since I've had a moment to myself, a moment of coherent thought, and a moment where I haven't felt guilty for doing something when I SHOULD be doing something else. Well, thats kind of not true. Right now I'm technically on the clock at work but my kiddo is getting help with his math homework and for once I'm caught up on notes so I figured I could take a few minutes to update the blog (thank you for understanding Starlight supervisors who read my blog :)).

Being back at work has been both a blessing and an everyday lesson in guilt, exhaustion, and time management. My first day back I was so excited to get up and have someplace to go! It was exhilarating just to get in the shower without worrying if Brynn would be crying when I got out. I shaved my legs! I got to listen to NPR all the way to the office! I drove in the car with no crying baby in the backseat! It was pretty thrilling. And best of all Brynn was asleep when I left so it made saying goodbye uncomplicated (It's hard to make a big emotional scene when you have to be quiet and not wake the baby). I'm pretty sure my return to work was overshadowed by the 49's huge win the day before ("Great to have you back Erin. Did you see that football game??"). But overall I felt pretty confident that we had made the right decision about me going back full time.

Pretty quickly however I began to feel the stress that I've read about in every women's magazine and is the centerpiece to every daytime talk show since the third wave feminist movement: having it all! How do modern women balance family, home and work? The answer? We don't! We are always feeling overwhelmed, overworked, under-appreciated, and somewhat hopeless about our situations. Okay, I'm being a little overdramatic. There are definitely days I feel like superwoman but there are definitely days I feel like I've let my family and my clients down (who needs clean clothes AND dinner on the table EVERY night, anyway?). Not to mention in my particular line of work if I'm not on top of my stuff my kids face real consequences (just ask the homeless teen mom and her baby who had no place to go last week). I don't just want to show up and do my work or go home and go through the motions. I want to do everything WELL. I want everyone healthy, and happy, and at least in clean clothes (and with a roof over the heads in the case of my client).

I don't want to miss a minute when I'm home with Brynn. I want to be in the moment while I read her that story, give her a bath, change her diaper (well, maybe not too in the moment with that one). But I also miss having time to myself and downtime when I get home from work ("Brynn, can you keep it down over there? Mommy is trying to watch Dance Moms and The Real Housewives of OC!"). Depending on whose turn it is to work late, Tony and I get home, get dinner on the table, feed Brynn, read her stories, give her a bath, give her meds, try to get her to down for bed, do the dishes, sneak in a load of laundry, and possibly prepare a weeks worth of organic baby food. Oh yeah, and try to nurture our still new marriage. It's sort of a challenge. And also a huge gift. Normalcy is something I thought we might never have six months ago.

As challenging as it is, I love almost everything about my life. I love being Tony's wife. I love being Brynn's mom. Most of the time I love being a social worker. Of course I wish there was more time for sleep, friends, family, reading, bubble baths, wine tasting, (I could keep going) but I think most working mom's feel that way (I know, I know: Every mother is a working mother!).

Right now Brynn's health is very good. Her last cardiology check-up and echo showed that her heart function looks good. We successfully transitioned off Monogen and back to regular formula. Brynn has even started solid foods! We introduce a new one every week and so far are up to rice cereal, sweet potatoes, applesauce and tonight we are trying peas! So far she has liked everything and is eating well (up to two ounces in a sitting) and gaining weight. She was up to 13 lbs 2 oz on 2/3 and has to be at least a full pound heavier by now.

I made the decision to make all of Brynn's food myself. My wonderful brother-in-law helped make this possible by giving us the Baby Bullet for Christmas! I know it is a lot of work and that the stuff in the jars is probably just as good but this is a commitment I really want to make to Brynn. I feel really guilty that I wasn't able to pump for longer than six weeks and that Brynn has had to have subpar nutrition for weeks at a time (thank you Monogen). I now have the ability and means to provide her with nutritious and healthful meals that will hopefully help her gain weight and get stronger. Despite the fact that sometimes the universe works against you (like when the power goes out the same night you have refrigerated a weeks worth of homemade baby food) this has worked pretty well.

Brynn continues to work on sitting up by herself, increasing her tummy time (we are up to five minutes at a time before complete meltdown), teething, and eye hand coordination. She responds to her name, can pass objects from one hand to another, grasp small objects, cry if you take a toy away, babble, laugh, coo, drool, and flirt shamelessly with my husband. Some of her milestones will obviously be a little delayed (rolling over, crawling) but right now she is pretty on track. She continues to take Iron, Lasix, Asprin, Enalipril (blood pressure medication) and Zantac twice a day. It is adorable to watch her take her meds. She loves to chew on the syringe and slurps up the medicine. She is also skilled and spitting it back out raspberry style if she doesn't feel like swallowing.

Now if only we could get her back to sleeping for longer than 90 minutes at a time. I haven't been this exhausted since we brought her home from the hospital. Only now I get to get up for work in the morning after being up with her all night! Her volume and intake of formula has gone way up at night. A few weeks ago she woke up maybe once or twice and took a maximum of 2 ounces at each feeding. Now she is waking up almost every hour and demanding close to 4 ounces at some feedings. Tony and I are facing the first of many co-parenting challenges when it comes to making choices about your kids sleep, potty training, homework, where to send them to college, etc. He want's me to start putting Brynn in the crib. Yes, you read that right. Brynn has never spent a night in her crib. Up until I went back to work five weeks ago she slept most of the night in her bassinet next to our bed. Now she sleeps in our bed. Every night. All night.

Well, technically she tosses, turns, cries, slaps, kicks, and scratches all night. None of us is getting very much sleep. I know, I know. I never thought I would be a "co-sleeper" but I miss her so much during the day! And when she isn't kicking me in the stomach or scratching me with her razor sharp nails she is pretty snugly. :) I do want my bed back. And I would like more than an hour of sleep at a time. But I'm not willing to let her cry it out. And her crib all the way in the OTHER ROOM might as well be an ocean it feels so far away. Right now I am hopeful that we will find a solution that will make us all happy.

I may not achieve balance in my life but I am confident we can achieve a balance that makes us all happy when it comes to sleep. At least until she learns how to get out of her own bed. :)