Tuesday was a little easier but I was still feeling a lot of pressure with only 8 days left before Brynn's arrival. My list of things to get done felt long and I had lost some of my stamina from the day before. And then our cardiologist called at 4:01pm. She calmly informed us that the medical team had met that morning and that due to a scheduling conflict our delivery has been moved up to Friday. As in THIS Friday, 8/12 at 7:30am. I'm still not sure if it is a conflict with the OR or the surgeon or maybe there is just a really good ball game on television that everyone wants to see. Whatever the reason, we were informed that instead of the 8 planed days we had left...we now had two. The OB called to let us know she had been filled in on the plan (apparently she wasn't planning on catching the game) and had cleared her schedule for Friday so that she would be able to deliver us. I got online and looked up "how to prepare for a C-section". Today, we firmed up our finances, paid bills, installed the car seat, ordered our kit for cord blood banking, packed our suitcases, double checked our insurance coverage, and spent one more night in our home as married couple without kids.
Tomorrow, Tony goes back to his classroom to try to get it as ready as he can before school starts on the 24th. I'm going to try and tie up any loose ends around the house and finish up some paperwork before we head to the hospital for the pre-op (blood draws and meet with the anesthesiologist). Then we will get to my parents house where we will be staying for the next few weeks to unpack and get ready for our 5:00am wake-up call. Gone are our plans to have the nursery finished, Tony's lesson and substitute plans completed, my thank you notes all mailed off, etc. If I thought I was going to lose my mind with 8 days left, I have certainly had to prioritize my time with less than 36 hours to go.
I guess it shouldn't surprise me. Brynn has been very eager to get into this world from the moment we knew about her existence. She has made it very clear that she wants to be here ASAP! Knowing that this pregnancy is about to end has really made me reflect on the journey we have had along the way. My feelings about Friday are a mix of anticipation, excitement, hopefulness, and fear. Before all of this, I would have been terrified at the thought of having blood drawn, an epidural, and surgery. Now, all of that is just a few more hurdles I need to jump over to get to meet my daughter and know if she is going to be okay.
I've been reading this book called "When prayers aren't answered: Opening the heart and quieting the mind in challenging times." I know it sounds like a downer but really it is all about deepening your faith and relationship with God during difficult times. It helps to remember that God's love doesn't always come in the form of giving us what we want but it is always enduring, ever present, and eternally available. This has been a challenging lesson but a lesson that I learned the day we found out something was wrong with Brynn.
Up until that day I had prayed every night for a healthy baby. When we got the call that they thought something might be wrong and we needed to come in for more tests I felt broken and betrayed by God and by my own body. I continued to pray that the doctors would be wrong and we would find out that she was healthy. And then, on the day we went in for the more detailed scan I stopped praying for a healthy baby and started praying instead for the strength to deal with whatever news they gave us. It was of course much worse than I could have anticipated. But somehow I was able to cope when they gave us the news that half of Brynn's heart was missing, and then while they put a 10 inch needle into my belly to pull out amniotic fluid.
Finding strength over the next 48 hours as we waited for the amnio results was much more difficult. I stopped eating. I didn't get out of bed. I don't even think I changed my clothes. Amazingly, it was Brynn herself who gave me the strength to prepare for the test results. Up until that point I had barely felt her move and Tony hadn't gotten to feel her all. That weekend she suddenly started kicking with a strength and frequency that reminded both of us "Hey! I'm still in here! Don't give up on me!". When we finally got the results that all her chromosomes were normal we had already made the decision that we would have this baby despite her heart malformation and the serious health problems she might face. Apparently, about 50% of couples choose not to continue the pregnancy.
I think about all the lessons my daughter has already taught me about strength and faith. As the Prayer book points out; in many non-Western cultures when a baby is born the entire community gathers to celebrate the birth of a celestial being, the divine, an angel, a form of Light in this world. Babies in our culture are also celebrated but almost immediately people begin to hypothesize about who this baby will be, what they will accomplish, and who they will become. Almost as though the real meaning and importance of their life comes later. With Brynn, the truth is we really don't know what to expect or know how much time she will have on this Earth. Every breath, every moment, every heartbeat is a miracle and a gift. How blessed Tony and I are to have been given this special gift and to have been taught by such a sweet angel how precious life really is. How lucky we are to have been given so much support and love from a community who anticipates the arrival of our daughter with prayers and positive thoughts.
I'm not sure how things are going to go on Friday. The doctors aren't sure how things are going to go on Friday. If things go badly I don't know if I will be able to take all the lessons Brynn has taught me and all the strength she has given me to get through what we might face. However, I do know that we are never alone and we are never forsaken. And I know that Tony and I are truly blessed to have been on this journey together.
If you happen to be awake at 7:30am on Friday morning please say a prayer for us and keep us in your thoughts. No matter what happens, Tony and I are finally going to meet our daughter!
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