Waiting is the name of the game...

Today seemed to set a precedent for what our lives will be like over the next few weeks...waiting.

We started the morning with my overdue glucose test which was surprisingly not as bad as I was anticipating. The orange stuff was gross and I felt pretty nauseous and headachy for the hour we had to wait to get my blood drawn but the whole thing went by quickly. Lately, I have really been trying to get over my whole needle and shot phobia. I think about all the needle pokes and tests my daughter will need and I know I cannot set a bad example or be a wimp when it comes to my own health. The stick really wasn't that bad and they only took two vials this time (last time it was eight).

Following the test we drove up to Stanford for our echocardiogram. More waiting. The hospital was busier than I had ever seen it. Kids being rolled around in wheelchairs with little bald heads and feeding tubes. Mother's being wheeled out with tiny babies. Toddlers bouncing off the walls with impatience. We waited almost two hours before being seen.

The wait gave us time to see observe an interesting and touching scene in the waiting room of the heart center. Two teenagers sat with their perspective parents, both waiting for the same test to measure their heart function. The teenage boy sat sleeping with legs propped up and his mouth hanging open. His mother talked to the nurse about his upcoming transplant. The girl sat across the room with her father (she had apparently requested that her mother not be allowed in). She began crying and arguing about having to take the test and feeling like she has no control of her own body. Her father began pleading with her to calm down and allow her mother to join them. Eventually, the boy woke up and walked over to them to let the girl know that the test is really not that big a deal and not to worry. Tony and I were really touched by how sweet he was and how reassuring he tried to be. It was at that moment I had a glimpse into our possible future.

As most people know I have made it very clear for many years that I did NOT want boys. I have been warned of how difficult and moody teenage girls can be but I have always thought that was a good tradeoff to rough and tumble little boys. Today's observation gave me another perspective of how reasonable and easygoing teenage boys can be and how chronic conditions can affect boys and girls differently. It seems like there will be different kinds of challenges all along the way. I hope that no matter how Brynn handles her health challenges we will be lucky enough to be sitting in that waiting room with her as a teenager (even if she won't let me be there with her). :)

We finally made it back for our scan with Olga again. This time it was much shorter, only about 25 minutes and not nearly as painful. I'm not sure how good the quality of the photos were but they did show that the duct has begun to close. The doctor reported that right now it does not seem to be affecting Brynn's heart function and she is tolerating the small duct well. However, they are not able to predict how she will respond if it closes completely or how long it could take to close up. So, I will now be monitored weekly by the Heart Center in addition to our OB appointments. If Brynn appears to be in distress, they will deliver her immediately. Ideally, we make it to 39 weeks or at least 36 weeks. We are 30 weeks on Sunday. I'm not sure how realistic it is that we will make it that much longer considering the duct has become noticeably smaller in two weeks. All we can do is hope and pray. The doctor tried to assure us that our surgeon has performed many open heart surgeries on premature babies but we also know that her lung and brain development at this stage would contribute to further complications. We of course had a million questions and always leave feeling like our five minute consults aren't nearly enough time to process or request adequate information.

The doctor did send us upstairs to the perinatal diagnostic center to meet with the coordinator who will arrange our consult with the surgeon that will perform Brynn's surgery. Following our consult we will get a tour of the labor and delivery unit and a rundown of everything that will happen after Brynn is born. They will also perform some additional scans to get a more accurate idea of how much she weighs and how everything else is looking. They will also perform the stress tests here to see how we respond.

We are so hoping that she can hold on for as long as possible. I feel so unprepared for her arrival. We haven't taken any of our childbirth, infant care, or CPR classes yet. We have very few of the things we will need to care for her at home. She doesn't have a pediatrician yet. We haven't even had our baby shower yet! Not to mention I don't know how this affects my role at work. I guess I really need to start terminating and transitioning my clients if I want to give them the chance for therapeutic closure. To know that Brynn could be born anytime between now and September makes me feel out of control and helpless. But...all we can do is wait.

Please continue to pray for Brynn that her duct stays open for as long as possible. And please pray that her mommy can get her act together and start getting prepared for Brynn's possible early arrival. We appreciate everyones support and understanding as we wait out these next few weeks.